Tales of the Parodyverse

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CrazySugarFreakBoy!
Tue Mar 15, 2005 at 03:19:19 am EST
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Untold Tales of the Tenth Caphan Tie-In: Chupacabra, I Choose You!
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#205: Even More Still Untold Tales of the Tenth Caphan: Part Eleven – Alright You Alien ***holes, In the Words Of My Generation, "Up Yours!"
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This is Tuesday's episode, honestly. It's already Tuesday where the Hooded Hood is.
Mon Mar 14, 2005 at 08:31:27 pm EST
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Untold Tales of the Tenth Caphan Tie-In: Chupacabra, I Choose You!

The Skree Battlestar Gargantua was not designed for diplomatic missions, nor were its crewmembers selected on the basis of possessing particularly politically canny mindsets.
So, when they received word from their surveillance on board Prince Aarmus’ command yacht that the representatives of Earth, Mr. Epitome and Sir Mumphrey Wilton, were declaring openly hostile intentions toward the military coalition currently jointly led by the Caphans and the Lovetoads, even the more tactically-minded officers among the Skree crew couldn’t resist the impulse to act unilaterally, by preparing a first strike against the Terrans who had irritated their government, their culture and their entire race for so long.
Which was when Sir Mumphrey Wilton’s last resort contingency kicked in.
The stylized smiley face symbol emblazoned on the fluorescent orange and neon green Oddity Orb gave a somewhat misleading clue as to the decidedly less-than-sanguine nature of its contents … namely, a small, solitary creature with the worst temper ever.
Spaz the Chupacabra hissed and growled with barely suppressed malice as the Oddity Orb cracked open, flapping its leathery, bat-like forelimbs as it scratched at the floor with its clawed, bird-like hind legs, its slitted, cat-like eyes narrowing and the row of sharp spines along its scaly, lizard-like head and back raising up in instinctive and almost psychotic paranoia, as it inexplicably found itself in entirely unfamiliar surroundings.
Spaz was not at all smart, possessing as it did a practically nonexistent ability to perceive consensus reality, or even to recognize what was in the best interests of its own continued survival, but in its own highly specialized and terribly twisted way, Spaz was exceptionally clever, demonstrating on any number of occasions a sheer savagery of craftiness that even the “Joe Fixit” incarnation of the Incredible Hulk surely would have admired.
So, even though Spaz had no idea where it was, nor would it even have understood where it was, if it had been informed of its whereabouts on board a spaceship that was built for traveling between solar systems at faster-than-light speeds and waging war against whole planets, Spaz didn’t need to know any of this to be able to figure out how to destroy every single person, place or thing that happened to enter into its line of sight.
After making its way down a random, featureless corridor for a few seconds, its head bobbing as it strutted like the raptor that it resembled, Spaz became bored with simply defacing every square inch of wall space in its path, with razor-sharp talons and fangs that could carve jagged gashes into Adamantium, and instead turned its admittedly limited attention span to the task of seeking out living prey that it could rip to shreds.
Sprinting through the hopelessly confusing maze of passageways with an impossibly unerring sense of exactly where it needed to go, in order to do the maximum amount of damage to this gray metal world that it did not wish to be trapped in any longer, Spaz hissed when it rounded a corner to face a pair of battle-armored Skree troopers making their patrol rounds, neither of whom even had the time to react with surprise before Spaz growled and lunged at them, causing the dull reports of their laser-rifles and their bloodcurdling shrieks of terror to echo throughout the furthest corners of the vessel.
Spaz did not know what a spaceship was. It certainly did not understand what the command deck of a spaceship was. And it was, without a doubt, completely beyond any of Spaz’s capabilities to comprehend how one could get to the command deck of a spaceship, from any given point within the spaceship itself. And yet, in defiance of all odds and logic, Spaz was instinctively able to seek out the command deck of the Skree Battlestar Gargantua, simply by sensing where it should go in order to attack as many people and ruin as many things as possible.
After all, more than just a Chupacabra, Spaz was indeed a Creature of Chaos, the latest in a long line of cryptozoological conundrums that had been called Gremlins as recently as World War II, by Allied and Axis fighter pilots alike, and in even earlier history, had been identified as (or perhaps merely mistaken for) Gargoyles, Goblins, Bogeymen, Bugaboos, Imps and even Demons. And Creatures of Chaos, like the Impossibilitium-empowered Agents of Chaos whom they so frequently accompanied as familiars, existed primarily to break the rules of the Forces of Order.
Spaz did not know or understand any of this, nor would it even have cared, if it had. All that mattered to Spaz, as it bit and slashed brutal swaths through the dozens of heavily-armed and extensively-trained elite guards that flanked the entry to the command deck of the Skree Battlestar Gargantua, was that it was in a bad mood, and that this was not going to change until it had vented its anger on everything and everyone that it could.




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